When Fear Takes Over: “What If My Child Becomes the Next Monster?”
By Jen Kost, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C
One of the quietest and most shame-filled fears new parents carry is the question they never imagined they would think, let alone say out loud: What if my child grows up to hurt people? What if something is wrong and I miss it? What if I fail them? These thoughts often come from a place of profound responsibility and deep love, not from any actual sign that a child is destined for violence or sociopathy. Parenting brings an overwhelming awareness that you are shaping a human being, yet it also confronts you with an uncomfortable truth: your influence is powerful, but not absolute.
Parents often ask what the “right” parenting strategy is, as if there is a single, guaranteed path that produces healthy, empathetic, emotionally regulated adults. Human development simply does not work that way. Attachment is built through thousands of small moments like repairing after conflict, responding with enough sensitivity most of the time, modeling emotional expression, providing structure, offering safety, and allowing independence. Children thrive not through perfection but through connection, guidance, and consistency. Fear tends to grow in the spaces where parents feel pressure to get everything right or believe they must prevent every possible outcome.
It can be helpful to know what actual red flags might look like, not to increase hypervigilance but to anchor parents in reality. Concerning signs might include persistent cruelty toward animals, lack of remorse after harming others, chronic deceit without clear function, extreme and unchanging aggression, or a severe lack of emotional responsiveness. Even then, these behaviors are complex, and early intervention (not panic) makes a meaningful difference. Most challenging behaviors in childhood come from dysregulation, trauma, unmet needs, or developmental lags, not sociopathy.
Underneath these intrusive fears is often something deeper: the anxiety that you cannot fully control your child’s life or their future. This is a profoundly human fear. Parenting requires accepting both your influence and your limits, holding responsibility without assuming omnipotence. Anxiety tells you that vigilance equals protection, but true safety comes from connection, support, and the ability to seek help when something feels off, not from obsessing over worst-case scenarios.
If this fear has shown up for you, you are not alone. It does not mean you are doomed, nor does it mean something is wrong with your child. It usually means you care so fiercely that your mind is trying to prepare for impossible hypotheticals. Parenting with steadiness is not about preventing every potential harm; it is about showing up with presence, compassion, attunement, and a willingness to ask for support when needed. You are building a relationship, not writing a destiny.
