Before You Google “Is My Kid a Brat?”
By Jen Kost, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C
If you’ve ever watched your toddler tear through gifts, toss one aside, fixate on the next package, or melt down because the “wrong” thing was inside, you’re not alone. Many parents quietly find themselves thinking a thought they never imagined they would have: Is my kid ungrateful? Did I do something wrong?
The holidays (and birthdays, and family gatherings, and gift-heavy traditions of all kinds) have a unique way of bringing our own expectations and emotions right to the surface. Parents often spend significant time, energy, money, and emotional labor choosing gifts, coordinating celebrations, and trying to make something feel special… and when a child’s response doesn’t match that effort, it can hurt.
That hurt deserves compassion, not judgment.
Let’s Name the Hard Part
It is genuinely difficult when a child’s reaction feels dismissive or entitled. Many parents feel sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, or even anger in these moments, and then feel shame for having those feelings at all.
From a mental health perspective, it’s important to say this clearly: your feelings about gift-giving matter, even when your child is still learning how to show gratitude. Two things can be true at once: your child is developmentally acting like a child, and you are allowed to feel tender about the effort you put in going unappreciated.
What’s Actually Happening Developmentally
Toddlers and young children are not wired for sustained gratitude, perspective-taking, or delayed gratification. Their brains are driven by:
Excitement and novelty
Sensory stimulation
Big emotions with limited regulation skills
A still-developing understanding of other people’s effort and intentions
Gratitude is not an instinct; it’s a skill that develops over many years through repeated experiences, modeling, and gentle guidance. When a toddler moves quickly from one gift to the next, struggles to wait, or reacts intensely, they are not expressing entitlement; they are showing us exactly where their nervous system and cognitive development are right now.
Reframing “Ungrateful” as “Unpracticed”
Instead of asking, Why isn’t my child grateful? it can be more helpful to ask:
What skills are they still building?
What support do they need in moments of high stimulation?
What values am I hoping to teach?
This reframe takes the pressure off a single moment and reminds us that gratitude is taught slowly, not performed on demand.
Setting Expectations For Everyone
One of the most protective things you can do for both your child and yourself is to set clear, developmentally appropriate expectations around gift giving.
This might look like:
Fewer gifts, spaced out over time
Built-in pauses between opening
Naming excitement and overwhelm as they happen
Letting go of the idea that children must perform appreciation in the moment
Developing family specific traditions
You are not “lowering the bar”; you are aligning expectations with reality.
Scripts for Setting Expectations with Toddlers
Here are some gentle, nervous-system-aware scripts parents can use before and during gift-giving moments:
Before gifts:
“There will be presents today, and we’re going to open them slowly.”
“I know it’s hard to wait. It’s hard for me to wait on something I’m excited about too.”
During the moment:
“I see how excited your body is right now.”
“Let’s take a breath before opening another.”
Afterward:
“How did you feel opening presents?”
“What did you notice about your body and brain when you got a gift you loved?”
These scripts are less about control and more about co-regulation, helping children learn how to tolerate excitement without becoming dysregulated.
A Gentle Reminder for Parents
Your child’s reaction to a gift is not a reflection of their character or of your parenting. It is a snapshot of a developing nervous system in a moment of high stimulation.
Holidays are about connection, not performance. And sometimes, the most meaningful lesson we teach isn’t gratitude in the moment… it’s how to move through big feelings with support, patience, and care.
