What Would You Tell a Client?

By Jen Kost, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C

The other day, during a conversation with a friend, I found myself sharing something difficult. I was talking through grief, uncertainty, and the familiar frustration that comes from wishing healing would happen faster.

She listened thoughtfully, then asked one simple question.

"What would you tell a client?"

The question landed gently.

Almost immediately, I knew the answer.

I would tell a client that grief does not follow a schedule. That pain asks to be felt, not rushed. That healing is rarely linear. That having hard days does not erase progress. That they deserve the same kindness they so freely offer everyone else.

It struck me how effortlessly compassion appeared the moment I imagined someone else sitting in my chair.

Why is it often so much easier to extend grace to another person than to ourselves?

Many parents I work with experience this every day. They criticize themselves for struggling after birth. They wonder why they cannot "just move on" after pregnancy loss. They feel ashamed that anxiety still shows up months later. They judge themselves for not enjoying every moment of parenthood.

Yet if a friend, partner, or fellow parent shared those exact same experiences, compassion would likely come naturally.

Sometimes borrowing that compassionate perspective becomes the bridge back to treating yourself with the same care.

But there was another part of my friend’s question that I appreciated even more.

She was not positioning herself as the expert with answers I did not have.

She was gently reminding me that I already possessed wisdom.

Her question communicated something incredibly important.

You already know what you need.

Not because every answer is immediately obvious. Not because insight magically solves pain. But because healing is not about becoming dependent on someone else's wisdom. It is about learning to trust your own.

That is one of the deepest hopes I have for every client who walks into therapy.

Therapy is not meant to create someone who trusts their therapist more than themselves.

Therapy is meant to help someone reconnect with their own inner voice. To notice their emotions without immediately dismissing them. To recognize their needs without apologizing for them. To become someone who believes themselves, comforts themselves, and stays with themselves.

This is part of developing secure attachment.

When people hear the phrase "secure attachment," they often think about romantic relationships or parenting. Those relationships certainly matter. But secure attachment also grows through the relationship a person has with themselves.

Can I stay with myself when I feel anxious?

Can I stay with myself when I make a mistake?

Can I stay with myself when grief lasts longer than I expected?

Can I stay with myself when fear convinces me I should run, numb out, criticize myself, or search for certainty?

Security is not created by never experiencing discomfort.

Security is built every time a person chooses not to abandon themselves in the middle of it.

That does not mean responding perfectly every time. It does not mean always saying the right thing to yourself or never spiraling into self criticism.

It means returning.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Over time, something begins to shift.

Instead of looking outside yourself for reassurance, you slowly become someone who can offer reassurance from within.

Instead of believing difficult emotions mean something is wrong with you, you begin to understand they are simply part of being human.

Instead of measuring your worth by how quickly you recover, you begin measuring it by how faithfully you remain connected to yourself throughout the process.

Healing is not about rushing through grief, fear, uncertainty, or pain.

It is about refusing to leave yourself while you move through them.

So if today feels heavier than you wish it did, perhaps ask yourself the same question my colleague asked me.

What would you tell your client, friend, patient, child?

Then pause long enough to hear your own answer.

It may be wiser than you realize.

And if the answer is simply, "It will take however long it takes," that is enough.

Because healing was never about finishing as quickly as possible.

It has always been about staying with yourself along the way.