Beyond the Roses—
what Valentine's Day can teach us about effort in relationships
By Elle Murphy, MSW, LSW
As Valentine's Day approaches, couples tend to fall into one of three categories: those who treat it like any other day, those who celebrate with a quiet dinner at their favorite spot, and those who go all out with grand gestures. Wherever you land, Valentine's Day offers valuable lessons about the effort required to maintain a relationship you're proud of, especially during the perinatal period.
When Effort Means Asking for Less
Here's something that might surprise you: sometimes the most loving thing you can do during the perinatal period is to require less effort from your partner.
Many new parents feel guilty that they can't be "good partners" right now; they can't plan dates, initiate sex, or provide emotional support the way they used to. But what if instead of trying harder, we simply did less?
Sometimes, effort means recognizing that your partner is in survival mode and adjusting your expectations accordingly. It means finding ways to feel connected that don't require energy your partner simply doesn't have.
This isn't about lowering standards or accepting a permanently diminished relationship. It's about understanding that relationships have seasons, and the perinatal period requires enormous flexibility and patience.
The Maintenance Mindset
What does Valentine's Day teach us? Not that we must celebrate with chocolate and champagne (though if that brings you joy, go for it!). Rather, it reminds us to examine our assumptions about what relationship effort actually looks like.
Couples who flourish adopt a "maintenance mindset." They understand that their relationship is like a garden requiring regular tending, not a car needing an annual tune-up.
They build in tiny rituals: a ten-second morning hug, a six-second kiss, a bedtime gratitude where each person shares one thing they appreciated about the other that day, a weekly check-in about how they're really doing. These aren't grand gestures. They're barely noticeable to outsiders. But they're the connective tissue that holds couples together when nothing else feels stable.
Redefining Romance
The perinatal period demands that we expand our definition of romantic effort. In this season, romance might look like:
Your partner researching postpartum depression symptoms to better understand what you're going through
Changing a diaper without complaint at 4 AM so you can sleep another hour
Going to couples therapy even though they think "we're fine"
Learning about postpartum body changes to support you better
Taking the baby for a walk so you can have thirty minutes of silence
These acts require effort, attention, sacrifice, and love. They're just not the kind our culture has trained us to recognize and celebrate.
A New Framework
As we move past another Valentine's Day, consider this different framework for relationship effort during the perinatal period:
Small over spectacular. Focus on daily five-minute connections rather than monthly date nights.
Personal over performative. Learn what your partner needs right now, not what social media says they should need.
Consistent over compensatory. Invest a little every day rather than trying to make up for neglect with occasional grand gestures.
Realistic over romantic (in the traditional sense). Match your expectations to your current reality, not to your pre-baby life or other couples' highlight reels.
Collaborative over one-sided. Talk explicitly about what "effort" means to each of you right now, and adjust as you both change.
Source:
Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Weekend homework assignment: Six seconds to happy couplehood. https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-six-seconds-to-happy-couplehood/
