Sharing Power With Toddlers Without Losing Authority
By Jen Kost, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C
Toddlers are often described as tiny dictators or emotional hurricanes. From a perinatal mental health perspective, toddlerhood is better understood as a developmental stage where autonomy is emerging faster than emotional regulation. Power struggles are not a sign of poor parenting. They are a sign of a nervous system learning how to be separate while still needing deep connection and safety.
Sharing power with a toddler does not mean giving up authority or becoming permissive. It means offering choice, predictability, and respect while holding clear boundaries. When done intentionally, power sharing reduces daily battles and supports emotional development for both parent and child.
Why Power Struggles Happen
Toddlers have big desires and limited skills. Language is still developing. Impulse control is minimal. The prefrontal cortex is immature. What exists in abundance is drive, curiosity, and a need to feel capable.
When a toddler feels controlled, rushed, or overpowered, the nervous system often shifts into fight or collapse. Resistance shows up as yelling, throwing, refusing, or melting down. The behavior is communication, not defiance.
Power struggles escalate when a toddler feels powerless and when a caregiver feels unseen, exhausted, or disrespected.
What Sharing Power Actually Looks Like
Power sharing is not asking a toddler to run the household. It is offering structured choices within adult held limits.
Examples include:
Choosing between two shirts rather than deciding whether to get dressed
Picking the color of the cup rather than whether to drink water
Deciding which song plays in the car rather than whether to get in the car
The adult still sets the boundary. The toddler gets to experience agency within it. This approach communicates two things at once:
The caregiver is in charge
The toddler’s preferences and voice matter
That combination builds trust and reduces the need for control battles.
Boundaries Are Still Essential
Healthy power sharing cannot exist without boundaries. Boundaries are what create safety. They are not punishments or threats. They are information.
A boundary sounds like:
I will not let you hit
Food stays on the table
It is time to leave the playground
The key is consistency without hostility. A calm boundary delivered with confidence helps a toddler borrow regulation from the adult nervous system.
Boundaries do not require lengthy explanations in the moment. Simple language paired with follow through is enough. Empathy can exist alongside the limit.
You are mad and it is time to go
You wanted more cookies and snack time is over
Attunement as the Foundation
Attunement is the ability to notice, name, and respond to a child’s internal state. It does not require fixing the feeling or changing the boundary.
Attunement sounds like:
That surprised you
You really wanted to keep playing
This feels hard
When a toddler feels understood, the nervous system softens. Behavior often shifts not because the child was convinced, but because connection restored a sense of safety.
Attunement does not mean agreement. It means presence.
Soothing the Adult Nervous System
Power struggles are often more activating for adults than children. Many caregivers notice echoes of their own childhood, feelings of being disrespected, or fears of raising an entitled child.
Regulation begins internally.
Helpful practices include:
Pausing before responding and taking one slow breath
Lowering the voice instead of raising it
Grounding through sensation such as feet on the floor or hands on the counter
Naming the feeling internally rather than acting it out
A regulated adult nervous system is the most effective parenting tool available.
Self compassion matters here. Parenting a toddler is intense. Needing breaks, support, or repair does not mean failure. It means humanity.
The Benefits of Sharing Power
When toddlers experience appropriate agency, several long term benefits emerge.
Emotional regulation improves as children feel less controlled and more understood
Secure attachment strengthens through consistent attunement and boundaries
Confidence grows as children practice decision making in safe ways
Power struggles decrease because resistance no longer feels necessary
This approach also supports caregiver wellbeing by reducing daily friction and emotional exhaustion.
Holding Authority Without Being a Pushover
Authority does not come from force. It comes from predictability, follow through, and emotional presence.
A caregiver can be kind and firm at the same time. A boundary can be held without anger. A child can be upset without the adult needing to change the decision.
This is not about getting it right every time. Repair matters more than perfection.
Sharing power is not permissive parenting. It is relational leadership rooted in respect, development, and nervous system awareness.
Toddlerhood is not something to survive. It is a season of building trust, autonomy, and emotional literacy that shapes the years ahead.
Further reading on some of the themes outlined in this blog:
“The Whole-Brained Child” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson – Explores how to support emotional regulation and development through connection and understanding the child’s brain.
“No-Drama Discipline” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson – Offers strategies for setting limits with empathy and calming the nervous system during challenging moments.
“Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy – Focuses on holding firm boundaries while maintaining deep connection, helping caregivers move out of power struggles and into confident, regulated leadership.
“How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen” by Joanna Faber and Julie King – Practical language and choice-based approaches to avoid power struggles while holding limits.
“The Power of Showing Up” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson – Emphasizes attunement and presence as foundational to secure attachment and regulation.
“Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child” by John Gottman – Covers emotion coaching techniques that help children understand and manage feelings.
