How self-regulation and co-regulation can change the way we experience parenting, from the newborn years through elementary school.
By Abby Waychoff OTR/L, RYT, PMH-C, Psychotherapy Intern
Have you ever found yourself getting increasingly frustrated with your child, only to realize that you’re both having a hard time?
Maybe your baby has been crying for what feels like hours, and you’ve tried everything you can think of. Maybe your toddler is melting down because you gave them the wrong color cup. Your preschooler refuses to put on their shoes, or your elementary schooler falls apart over homework after what seemed like an otherwise ordinary day.
You know you want to respond calmly. You know that yelling probably won’t help. And yet, in that moment, staying calm can feel almost impossible.
You might find yourself thinking, Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just keep it together?
What I want parents to know: Parenting can feel easier when we understand what happens during difficult moments and learn how to help both ourselves and our children move through them.
Two concepts that can help are self-regulation and co-regulation.
What do self-regulation and co-regulation actually mean?
Self-regulation is our ability to notice and manage our emotions, attention, energy, and responses. It helps us pause before reacting, tolerate frustration, and recover when something feels overwhelming.
Co-regulation is how we help another person manage their emotions through our presence, connection, and support. For children, whose self-regulation skills are still developing, this support is an important part of learning to navigate big feelings.
The two are closely connected. When our child is distressed, we may feel our own stress rising. Our bodies tense, our voices get louder, and we become focused on making the behavior stop. Our child may respond to that tension, and suddenly we're caught in an escalating cycle.
But the reverse can happen, too. When we slow ourselves down, soften our tone, or offer a reassuring presence, we can help make the moment feel more manageable for our child.
This doesn't mean we can control how our children feel or that our own calm will always calm them. It means we can influence the emotional environment as we navigate a difficult moment together.
And that can make a meaningful difference.
What regulation looks like at different ages
The principles of regulation apply throughout childhood, but the way we support our children changes as they grow.
With babies: Your presence is part of the support
Babies aren't born knowing how to calm themselves. Their nervous systems are still developing, and they depend on caregivers for help managing distress.
Think about a baby who is crying, arching their back, or struggling to settle. You might feel the pressure to figure out what's wrong immediately. Is the baby hungry? Tired? Uncomfortable? Overstimulated? Sometimes there's an obvious answer. Other times, you try everything, and the crying continues.
In these moments, supporting your baby might look like holding them close, rocking gently, speaking softly, or reducing stimulation while you try to understand what they need.
And sometimes, despite your best efforts, your baby will continue to cry.
That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Your job isn't to eliminate every moment of distress. It's to provide care, connection, and safety as your baby learns to navigate the world.
Your own needs matter here, too. A crying baby can activate a powerful stress response in a parent. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, it's okay to place your baby safely in their crib and take a brief moment to breathe or ask for help. You can return when you're ready to continue caring for them.
With toddlers and preschoolers: Connection before correction
Young children often have big feelings and limited abilities to manage them. Disappointment, transitions, hunger, and fatigue can quickly become overwhelming.
Imagine your toddler falling apart because you gave them the blue cup instead of the green one. You might be tempted to explain why it doesn't matter or tell them to stop making such a fuss. But in that moment, logic may not be what they need most.
You could get down to their level and say, "You really wanted the green cup. You're upset that I gave you the blue one." You can acknowledge their disappointment without changing the boundary. The blue cup can remain the blue cup.
Or imagine you're trying to get everyone out the door in the morning, and your preschooler refuses to put on their shoes. You're running late, your patience is wearing thin, and every additional minute feels like a crisis.
Instead of repeating the instruction more loudly, you might pause, get close, offer two acceptable choices, or make the next step playful.
This won't make every transition easy. But it shifts the goal from forcing cooperation through escalating frustration toward helping your child manage the moment.
Helping a child regulate doesn't mean giving them everything they want. It means helping them experience disappointment and frustration without having to navigate those feelings entirely alone.
With school-aged children: Helping them recover from the hard parts of the day
As children enter elementary school, their challenges become more complicated. Friendships, academic expectations, extracurricular activities, and growing independence all bring new demands.
Sometimes, the child who has held it together all day at school comes home and falls apart over something seemingly small.
You might hear about an argument with a friend or a frustrating interaction with a teacher. Or perhaps your child becomes irritable and refuses to talk at all.
It's tempting to jump straight into problem-solving. We want to help, so we offer advice, ask questions, or suggest what they could have done differently.
But before a child can think through a problem, they may need time to recover from the emotions surrounding it.
That might mean offering a snack, giving them some quiet time, sitting nearby, or saying, "It sounds like today was a lot. I'm here if you want to talk."
The same principle applies to homework struggles. If your child is overwhelmed by an assignment, getting frustrated, or insisting they can't do it, pushing them to try harder may not be the most helpful first step. They might need a brief reset, help breaking the work into smaller steps, or reassurance that you can work through it together.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is recognize that our child needs support before they can make use of our advice.
The good news is that regulation is a skill we can continue to build, both for ourselves and alongside our children. And it starts with recognizing that we don't have to respond perfectly in every moment. We can learn to notice what's happening in our own bodies, understand what we need, and find ways to return to a calmer, more grounded place.
But how do we do that when we're already overwhelmed, overstimulated, or running on empty?
In Part 2, we'll explore practical strategies to help you regulate your own nervous system in the middle of real-life parenting moments, so you can feel more grounded, respond more intentionally, and better support your child when they need you most.
