Parenting Your Partner is a Turnoff
By Jen Kost, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C
I work with many mothers who come into therapy exhausted not only from sleepless nights and endless to do lists. They are tired from carrying the invisible weight of running a household and raising children. This is what we call the “maternal mental load”. It is the constant awareness of what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and how it needs to happen. It is remembering the dentist appointment, noticing the milk is low, knowing which child has outgrown their shoes, and keeping track of the preschool snack schedule. It is an endless mental tab that runs quietly in the background.
The challenge is that when one partner carries the majority of this load, it creates imbalance. Many partners will help when asked, but helping after being asked is not the same as co-owning the work. If one person has to identify the task, articulate what needs to be done, and then delegate it, they are still the project manager. That is not partnership. That is oversight.
This dynamic is not limited to heterosexual couples. In any relationship, regardless of gender, there is often an imbalance when it comes to co-parenting and household duties. Over time, that imbalance can erode physical attraction and emotional connection. Nobody wants to parent their partner.
And here is the truth that does not get enough attention. A partner who is mentally overworked is often less interested in intimacy. It is not because they love their partner less. It is because constant mental strain drains energy, patience, and playfulness. Carrying the load alone can make someone feel more like the household manager than an equal in a romantic relationship. That is so very unsexy.
Partnership means thinking ahead together. It means anticipating what is needed without being told. It means looking around and noticing what needs to be done and then doing it. It means making decisions together about which responsibilities to shift, share, or let go of.
Real collaboration is built on “We both live here, we both parent here, we both care about this family, so we both think about what is needed.” The mental load should not sit invisibly on one person’s shoulders.
When a partner steps into this mindset, the shift is powerful. They become a thought partner rather than a helper. They move from reacting to anticipating. They start to own the same awareness of the household that their partner does, which frees them up to breathe and rest. And this can reignite attraction. Seeing your partner carry their share without prompting can be deeply connecting.
If you are in a relationship where this imbalance has crept in, it is worth sitting down together and talking openly about it. Not as a list of complaints or a set of demands, but as an honest conversation about how you each want your partnership to feel. Ask each other, “What could we each change so that the mental load is shared?” The goal is not perfection. The goal is to feel like you are on the same team.
When both partners share the thinking, the planning, and the doing, the household becomes lighter for everyone. And intimacy is much more likely to grow in the space that is created when one person is not carrying it all alone.
Practical Ways to Step Into Equal Partnership
If you’re the partner currently carrying less of the mental load, here are concrete ways to rebalance the scales — without waiting to be asked or assigned tasks.
1. Own recurring responsibilities.
Choose specific areas of the household that are yours from start to finish — and stick with them. Examples:
All kids’ extracurricular sign-ups and payments
Weekly meal planning and grocery shopping
Managing household maintenance (repairs, seasonal upkeep, contractor calls)
School communication and paperwork
2. Take initiative daily.
Instead of “What can I do?” (which still puts the mental work on your partner), look around and act. Check the fridge. Notice the laundry. See the calendar. Respond to needs before they are verbalized.
3. Create systems that run without prompting.
Set shared reminders in a calendar app.
Automate bill payments, birthday reminders, and appointment scheduling.
Keep a stocked household essentials list and reorder before things run out.
4. Learn the family’s rhythms.
Pay attention to how mornings, mealtimes, and evenings flow — and step in where the stress points are without being asked.
5. Educate yourself on the mental load.
Read and follow resources that highlight what invisible labor is and how to share it:
Books: Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, Equal Partners by Kate Mangino, All the Rage by Darcy Lockman
Podcasts: We Can Do Hard Things (episodes on partnership and parenting), The Motherly Podcast
Instagram accounts: @fairplaylife, @zachmentalloadcoach, @relationshipswithaly
6. Surprise your partner by removing tasks from their plate.
Not with grand gestures, but with consistent follow-through — scheduling the dental appointments, ordering the right-size soccer cleats, or handling the holiday gift planning start to finish.
7. Keep checking in.
Partnership is fluid. Every few months, ask: “How’s the balance feeling? Where can I step up more?” and actually act on the feedback.
When both partners choose responsibility over passive participation, the result isn’t just a smoother household — it’s a relationship that feels fair, connected, and mutually cared for.
Note: Of course, the mental load is only one of many factors that can affect intimacy in a relationship. If intimacy feels stalled or disconnected, couples therapy can be a valuable space to explore the deeper layers together.
