Befriending Anger: Mom Rage, Socialization, and Emotional Integration
By Jen Kost, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C
Let’s talk about anger.
Yes, that one.
The one we were told to ignore, suppress, smile through, and “rise above.” The one we were told is dangerous, unladylike, and unbecoming. The one that, if we’re honest, many of us carry tucked behind a tired smile.
As a perinatal mental health therapist, I sit with women every day who are navigating the tender, overwhelming, identity-shifting experiences of pregnancy, postpartum, and early parenthood. And while depression and anxiety are often acknowledged, there is one emotion that consistently lingers in the shadows of these conversations: anger.
Not passive irritation. Not fleeting frustration. I mean full-body, door-slamming, dish-smashing, blood-boiling rage. And not because something is “wrong” with these women—but because something isn’t right.
The Socialization of Silence
Many women are socialized from an early age to see anger as unacceptable. “Good girls don’t get mad.” “Calm down.” “Stop overreacting.” We are rewarded for being agreeable, accommodating, quiet, and pleasant—especially when it costs us something.
And so, when anger does show up—when you feel overwhelmed by the invisible labor of motherhood, dismissed by a partner, or touched out after rocking your baby all night—it doesn’t feel like just an emotion. It feels like a failure. Like proof that we’re not handling things well enough. Like shame.
This socialization becomes especially insidious in the perinatal period. New motherhood is often framed as a season of bliss and gratitude. And it can be—but it is also raw, demanding, disorienting.
Anger Is Just an Emotion (Really!)
Here’s the thing I wish every mother knew: Anger is just an emotion. Like joy. Like sadness. Like fear. Like disgust. (Yes, *like in the Inside Out movies.)
Anger is morally neutral. It’s just information. It tells us when something feels unjust, misaligned, or overwhelming. It flares up when boundaries have been crossed—especially when we didn’t even realize we had boundaries to begin with.
It’s not anger we’re afraid of. It’s the behavior that sometimes follows: yelling, slamming, detachment, coldness. But anger itself? It's a signal. And, like all signals, it needs to be noticed—not judged.
“Mom Rage” Isn’t a Flaw. It’s a Flag.
The term mom rage has gained popularity, but it’s often treated like a problem to fix, rather than a symptom of deeper unmet needs.
Mom rage is often a flag—waving wildly to get our attention. It tells us:
I’m overstimulated.
I haven’t had a break in days.
I’m carrying too much.
I feel alone.
I don’t feel seen.
I’m burnt out.
This rage doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. It means you’re human with limits. And you’ve probably been holding too much for too long.
How Do We Befriend Our Anger?
It might feel counterintuitive—but one of the most healing things we can do with anger is to approach it with curiosity. Here’s how:
Name it. Say the word “anger.” Let it be in the room with you. Even just saying, “I feel angry” can soften the shame that surrounds it.
Notice the parts. In the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, we acknowledge that we’re made of many “parts.” You may have a “ragey mom” part, a “people-pleaser” part, and a “calm caretaker” part—all with different agendas. None are bad. All are trying to help in their own ways. When we get to know our angry part, we might find she’s been protecting us, speaking up for our unmet needs, or carrying our exhaustion. What if we thanked her?
Separate feeling from behavior. Feeling angry doesn’t mean acting out. You can acknowledge the feeling without performing it. This is a skill, and it takes practice.
Trace it back. Ask: What is this anger trying to protect? What is it fighting for? Where does it come from? Is it new—or old and familiar?
Get support. You were never meant to hold it all alone. Whether it’s a therapist, a trusted friend, or a supportive partner, anger needs safe places to land and be witnessed.
A Note on Gender and Scope
I want to acknowledge something important: while this blog focuses on women and mothers, anger is a deeply human emotion that affects everyone. This lens is admittedly narrow—but intentional. The perinatal period is one in which women, in particular, are expected to suppress their needs, emotions, and identities for the sake of caregiving. That context matters. Still, all people deserve space to feel, name, and process their anger.
Final Thoughts: Anger as an Ally
If you take one thing from this, let it be this: Anger is not your enemy. It may feel scary, foreign, or even shameful, but it is not wrong. It is your ally—urging you to pay attention, to listen, to care for yourself with the same ferocity you care for your children.
You do not need to be less angry to be a good mother. You need to be allowed to be fully human. And in that humanity, you may discover that your anger—when acknowledged and understood—becomes a compass, guiding you toward your needs, your voice, and your truth.
If you’re navigating mom rage or complex emotions in the perinatal season, you are not alone. Therapy can help you explore and understand your emotional landscape with compassion and curiosity. Reach out when you’re ready—we’re here. 💛
