What Not To Say To Grievers

By Jen Kost, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C

Grief in the perinatal period—whether from miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility, a traumatic birth, or postpartum loss of identity—is an incredibly tender and vulnerable experience. I’ve had the honor of walking alongside many families navigating grief in its rawest forms. One truth that’s become painfully clear: grief is not something that needs to be “fixed,” and too often, well-meaning words can unintentionally deepen pain rather than ease it.

Here are a few common phrases that are best avoided—and what might be more supportive instead.

1. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Why it hurts: This can feel dismissive and invalidate the real suffering someone is experiencing. It suggests there’s a silver lining they should be grateful for, even if they’re drowning in sorrow.

Try instead:
“I’m so sorry. This shouldn’t have happened.”
“I’m here with you in the heaviness of this.”

2. “At least you can get pregnant.” / “At least you have one healthy child.”

Why it hurts: “At least” statements minimize loss. Grief doesn’t get smaller because there’s another child, another pregnancy, or a theoretical future.

Try instead:
“You don’t have to be grateful right now. It’s okay to just be heartbroken.”

3. “You’re so strong.”

Why it hurts: While meant as a compliment, this can place pressure on the grieving person to perform strength or hold it all together. Many feel they can’t show their real emotions if they’re seen as “strong.”

Try instead:
“You shouldn’t have to be strong right now.”
“It’s okay to fall apart. I’m here.”

4. “It was God’s plan.” / “Heaven needed another angel.”

Why it hurts: These religious or spiritual explanations can feel hollow, especially in the depths of loss. Not everyone finds comfort in theology—and even if they do, they might not want to hear it from others.

Try instead:
“This loss is heartbreaking. I’m thinking of you.”
“If you want to talk about what this means for you spiritually, I’m here to listen.”

5. “Let me know if you need anything.”

Why it hurts: While this is well-intentioned, it puts the burden on the grieving person to reach out—which many can’t do when consumed by sorrow.

Try instead:
“I’m dropping off dinner Tuesday—no need to answer the door.”
“I’ll check in next week, but no pressure to reply.”
“I’m here, even if you don’t want to talk.”

Final Thoughts

Grief in the perinatal space is often invisible. Plans and dreams unravel quietly. The mourning is personal, often private, and laced with a thousand layers of complexity. If you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. Say that. Say less and listen more. Offer your presence instead of platitudes.

Grievers don’t need your answers—they need your companionship. Let’s do better by speaking with care and remembering that empathy is not found in the right words, but in the willingness to witness someone’s pain.

If you're grieving, or supporting someone who is, you're not alone. Help is available and healing is possible.