Supporting a Friend Experiencing Pregnancy Loss
By Emma Clark, Psychotherapy Intern
Miscarriage, sometimes called pregnancy loss, is the sudden loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. Between 10 and 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, most often due to issues with the baby’s development, not because of anything the pregnant person did or didn’t do.
Miscarriage at any stage can bring a wide range of emotions including (but not limited to) guilt, anxiety, sadness, grief, anger, shame, relief, or a mix of these feelings. Many people also experience uncomfortable physical symptoms like cramping, fatigue, and heavy bleeding.
Although pregnancy loss is fairly common, it can still be difficult to know how to respond when a friend or family member is going through it. As a doula, maternal health specialist, family member, and friend to people who have experienced miscarriage, I’ve often asked myself:
What can I do? Can I help at all? What if I make it worse?
Over time, I’ve learned a few tried-and-true ways to support someone through pregnancy loss. Just as importantly, I’ve learned that I don’t need to be perfect to be helpful. Showing up and holding space for whatever someone is feeling, even when we’re nervous or unsure, is what truly matters.
Helpful Things to Say
When someone shares that they’re experiencing a pregnancy loss, consider saying:
“I’m so sorry this is happening. How are you feeling?”
“Whatever you’re feeling right now is okay.”
“You aren’t alone.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”
Things to Avoid Saying
Some well-meaning comments can be unintentionally hurtful. Try to avoid:
Any sentence that starts with “At least...” (e.g., “At least it happened early.”)
Comparisons to others’ experiences (sharing other pregnancy loss stories can remind people they are not alone, but make sure any stories you share don’t minimize or overshadow your friends’ experience)
“You can always try again for another baby!”
Keep Checking In
Processing a miscarriage can take time, and your loved one may continue grieving long after it seems like the moment has passed. If it feels appropriate, check in from time to time, especially in the weeks or months afterward. Even a simple “Thinking of you” text can mean a lot.
Practical Ways to Help
Other ways to offer support include:
Delivering food or helpful supplies (maxi pads, heating pads, pain relievers)
Running errands (grocery shopping, school drop-offs/pickups)
Helping with childcare for other children in the home
Pitching in with household chores
Miscarriage can be an overwhelming and isolating experience, but the care of friends and family can make a meaningful difference. If someone close to you is going through this, consider offering support in whatever way you can. Remember: showing up imperfectly is always better than not showing up at all.
