Sometimes Gratitude is Complicated

By Emma Clark, Doula and Psychotherapy Intern

As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, gratitude may be on your mind. Many people find themselves reflecting on the past year, taking stock of what has changed, and noticing the complicated mix of emotions that can surface during a season centered on appreciation. Practicing gratitude regularly is proven to reduce stress and depression and support overall health. It can be grounding, stabilizing, and meaningful. At the same time, the expectation to be constantly grateful can create an added layer of pressure. When someone is navigating fertility challenges, pregnancy, postpartum shifts, grief, identity transitions, or the strain of daily caregiving, messages like “focus on the positive” can feel invalidating and produce feelings of guilt or shame. You may know you “should” feel thankful, but also feel overwhelmed, lonely, or simply not okay.

Gratitude and Hard Feelings Can Coexist

Here’s an important truth: gratitude does not cancel out pain, and pain does not diminish gratitude. Both can be true at the same time.

This approach is often described as “both/and” thinking. It allows us to hold the complexity of our emotions without forcing ourselves into either/or categories. This mindset can be especially supportive in the perinatal journey, which is full of contradictions: you can love your baby and miss your old life; you can be deeply grateful for a pregnancy while grieving how hard it feels; you can long for motherhood and still feel devastated by the losses and challenges along the way.

If you’re finding it hard to feel joyous gratitude this holiday season, you’re not alone. You do not have to choose between being grateful and being honest about your emotional experience. You can honor both.

How to Practice Gentle, Non-Invalidating Gratitude

If you’d like to incorporate gratitude in a way that feels authentic consider these gentle approaches:

1. Replace “but” with “and.”

Language shapes how we relate to our emotions. Try framing your experience with and instead of but:

• “I am struggling in my fertility journey right now and I am grateful for the loved ones in my life.”

• “I’m thankful to have a job and I’m overwhelmed trying to balance work and family.”

  This small shift allows space for the full truth of your experience.

2. Notice the small things.

Gratitude doesn’t have to be grand. It can be as simple as appreciating a warm drink, a short moment of quiet, a supportive text, or the way sunlight moves across a room. Tiny points of gratitude can feel more accessible when life is heavy.

3. Seek connection with someone who truly understands.

Sharing your mixed emotions with a trusted friend, partner, support group, or mental health professional can provide validation and relief. Feeling seen often makes space for more authentic gratitude, not forced gratitude.

4. Practice present-moment awareness.

Mindfulness can help you anchor in what is, rather than what you think you “should” feel. This might look like noticing your breath, tuning into your senses, or gently observing your emotions without judgment.

5. Don’t force it. Honor what’s real.

You don’t have to feel grateful all the time. You don’t have to feel grateful at all, especially when you’re hurting. All of your emotional experience matters.  Gratitude is most healing when it’s allowed to arise naturally, not when it’s pushed upon you.

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As you move through the holidays, remember: there is room for your gratitude, and there is room for your pain. You are not required to choose. Holding both is a sign of emotional strength, not of failure. If this season feels heavy, be gentle with yourself. Let gratitude be something that supports you, not something that silences you.