Mistake or Discomfort? Reframing Through a Trauma-Informed, Self-Compassionate Lens
By Jen Kost, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C
As a perinatal therapist, I often hear clients say things like:
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I messed up.”
“I’m ruining everything.”
These moments typically arise after a hard day parenting, a rupture in a relationship, or an emotional reaction that feels “too big.” But when we gently slow it down in the therapy room, I often ask: Was that a mistake… or was that a moment that simply felt uncomfortable?
This question matters—deeply—especially for those of us carrying childhood messages that taught us to conflate discomfort with wrongdoing.
Childhood Messages: When Feeling Equals Failing
Many of us grew up in environments where emotional expression wasn’t welcome or safe. Maybe you were told to stop crying, or that being angry was disrespectful. Maybe your needs were consistently met with silence, mockery, or punishment. Over time, we internalize messages like:
If I upset someone, I’ve done something wrong.
If I feel ashamed or anxious, I must be at fault.
If things are hard, I’m the problem.
In perinatal life—where identity, relationships, and bodies are shifting rapidly—these beliefs can resurface with surprising intensity. A baby’s cry might feel like a verdict. A partner’s frustration may echo past wounds. And suddenly, a moment of tension becomes a deep spiral into self-blame.
What Actually Is a Mistake?
A mistake is an action (or inaction) that, in hindsight, you wouldn’t choose again with the same information. Mistakes are human. They are how we learn, and they often carry consequences—but they are not the same as being bad.
What’s not a mistake?
Having big emotions.
Feeling overwhelmed.
Needing time, space, or support.
Saying no.
Asking for reassurance.
Setting a boundary that makes someone uncomfortable.
These are moments that may feel hard, messy, or even guilt-inducing—especially if you were taught that your needs make others unsafe. But they are not mistakes. They are simply evidence that you are human, navigating a hard moment, often with limited tools inherited from your own upbringing.
A Trauma Lens on “Overreacting”
People with trauma histories often carry hypervigilance around “getting it right.” They learned early that small missteps could lead to abandonment, conflict, or danger. So when discomfort arises—especially in the vulnerable perinatal period—it can trigger old fears: What if I’ve ruined everything?
In reality, what’s often happening is that your nervous system is reacting to a perceived threat—an echo of the past, not a reflection of the present. Trauma responses can look like overexplaining, withdrawing, lashing out, or caretaking others at your own expense. And while these patterns can create friction, they are not moral failings. They are survival strategies.
Choosing Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism
Self-compassion is not about ignoring impact—it’s about holding complexity. It’s the voice that says:
Yes, I snapped at my partner. I don’t feel good about that. And I was also running on two hours of sleep, overstimulated, and holding a crying baby for six hours straight. I can take responsibility without shaming myself.
When we offer ourselves compassion, we create space for accountability that is curious, not condemning. We open the door to repair. We begin to trust ourselves again.
In Practice: A Reframe
Try asking yourself:
Am I judging myself for feeling something… or for actually doing something harmful?
Would I say this to a friend?
What does this reaction remind me of from my past?
What need was I trying to meet in that moment?
These questions don’t erase the discomfort. But they help distinguish between shame that shuts you down and insight that moves you forward.
You Are Not the Mistake
In perinatal life, it’s easy to feel like everything is on the line. But you are not meant to be perfect. You are meant to be real, present, and evolving.
Discomfort isn’t a verdict. It’s a signal. And when we meet it with curiosity and care—instead of punishment—we transform not just our own healing, but the emotional legacy we pass to the next generation.
