'Fed is Best' Is Not a Complete Statement:What Comes After Matters
By Elle Murphy, MSW, LSW
The phrase "Fed is best" has become a crucial rallying cry for parents navigating the emotional and complex journey of feeding their newborns. While this statement provides reassurance that keeping your baby nourished is the primary goal, it can leave important parts of the perinatal mental health conversation unaddressed. The depth and complexity of infant feeding and maternal mental health deserves that three-word slogan, along with a personal statement after that sheds light on the personal struggle feeding your infant may have. The intersection of infant feeding and maternal mental health deserve our full attention, empathy, and understanding.
The Emotional Terrain of Feeding
Feeding your baby is never just about nutrition. It is a dance of intimacy, vulnerability, and often, unexpected grief. For some parents, breast/chest feeding arrives like a natural symphony—a seamless connection that brings overwhelming tenderness. For others, it is a battlefield of challenges: cracked nipples, low milk supply, latching difficulties, NICU stays, low-birth weight, and exhaustion that feels insurmountable.
Formula feeding carries its own emotional weight. There might be guilt, societal judgment, or a sense of perceived failure. Yet, there is also liberation in knowing your child is thriving, fed by a method that works for your family. The decision to formula feed—whether by choice or necessity—deserves to be honored with the same reverence as any other parenting decision made with love and intention.
The Multifaceted Nature of Feeding Journeys
Physical Challenges: Some parents struggle with medical conditions, past traumas, or physiological limitations that impact their feeding journey. From insufficient glandular tissue to thyroid disorders, from previous breast surgeries to physical disabilities, these challenges are real and valid reasons that shape how we feed our children.
Mental Health: Postpartum depression, anxiety, and the pressure of "perfect" motherhood can transform feeding into a complex emotional experience. The relentless demands of exclusive breastfeeding can sometimes exacerbate mental health struggles, creating impossible choices between a parent's wellbeing and societal expectations.
Support Systems: The presence or absence of practical and emotional support dramatically impacts the feeding experience. A supportive partner who takes night feedings, a lactation consultant who listens without judgment, or a pediatrician who celebrates your baby's growth regardless of feeding method—these allies can make all the difference.
Cultural Contexts: Feeding practices are deeply embedded in cultural traditions, family histories, and personal beliefs. Some cultures view breastfeeding as sacred and communal, while others maintain different norms around privacy, duration, and supplementation. These contexts inevitably shape how we approach and experience feeding.
Socioeconomic Realities: Access to quality lactation support, paid parental leave, breast pumps, and even clean water for formula preparation varies dramatically across socioeconomic lines. For many parents, feeding choices are constrained by economic necessities and workplace policies that make exclusive breastfeeding nearly impossible.
Previous Trauma: For survivors of sexual abuse or body dysmorphia, the physical act of breastfeeding can trigger profound distress. Acknowledging this reality doesn't diminish the value of breastfeeding—it expands our understanding of the complex relationship between bodily autonomy and infant feeding.
Parenting Situations: Single parents face distinct challenges in their feeding journeys, often balancing the physical demands of being the sole feeder with limited recovery time and support. Similarly, families with babies in the NICU navigate extremely complex feeding decisions amid medical necessity, separation anxiety, and the technical challenges of establishing milk supply without direct nursing.
Beyond the Slogan: The Missing Follow-Up Sentences
"Fed is best" provides a foundation, but it's what comes after that acknowledges the full spectrum of parental experiences. We invite you to find your own follow-up sentence. What resonates with you? What provides you with strength to enjoy your feeding journey?
What makes these follow-up sentences powerful is that they are unique to each parent's experience. The sentence that comes after "Fed is best" for you might be:
"Fed is best, and I'm proud of my decision to exclusively pump for eighteen months despite the constant washing of pump parts and the middle-of-night sessions."
"Fed is best, and I'm struggling with the judgment I feel when preparing formula in public, even though I know my baby is thriving."
"Fed is best, and I wish I had more support for my decision to continue breastfeeding despite challenges that left me crying through feedings for weeks."
"Fed is best, and navigating combination feeding has been more complicated than I expected, but it's allowed me to find balance."
"Fed is best, and I do not like the sensation of breastfeeding, which doesn't make me a bad parent—it makes me honest about my preferences."
"Fed is best, and I cannot wait until my child can begin cow's milk because I need to reclaim my body after giving so much of myself to pregnancy and infant feeding."
"Fed is best, and my journey through donor milk, SNS systems, and eventually exclusive formula was not what I planned, but it taught me resilience."
"Fed is best, and breastfeeding during my return to work required advocacy, vulnerability, and support that I shouldn't have had to fight for."
"Fed is best, and the lactation consultant who told me it was okay to stop trying saved not just my mental health but possibly my life."
"Fed is best, and feeding multiples required pragmatic decisions that prioritized family harmony over idealized feeding methods.”
“Fed is best, and I find joy in watching my loved ones nourish my baby.”
The Science and Humanity of Infant Feeding
Research increasingly shows that parental mental health, family functioning, and infant temperament all play crucial roles in child development that can eclipse the method of feeding.
We must acknowledge the historical context of infant feeding debates. Before safe formula existed, finding alternatives to breastfeeding was literally a matter of life and death. Today's conversations occur in a different reality, where multiple safe options exist—yet the emotional intensity often reflects outdated fears.
The interconnection between infant feeding, maternal mental health, and sleep cannot be overstated. Additionally, the physical transitions during weaning—whether expected or sudden—bring hormonal shifts that can significantly impact mental health alongside physical symptoms like engorgement or mastitis.
What's undeniable is that a parent's emotional wellbeing significantly impacts attachment and child development—sometimes more profoundly than the feeding method alone.
Moving Forward with Compassion
As we support new parents, let's remember that validating their feeding choices is just the beginning. The complete conversation includes acknowledging their unique struggles, celebrating their efforts, and providing resources tailored to their specific situations.
Healthcare providers play a critical role here. The difference between a pediatrician who asks "How is feeding going for your family?" versus "Are you still breastfeeding?" creates vastly different emotional spaces for parents to inhabit.
Family members can offer support by focusing on the baby's overall wellbeing rather than feeding methods. Simple statements like "You're doing a wonderful job keeping your baby nourished and loved" affirm the parent's competence without judgment.
Communities can create inclusive spaces where all feeding methods are normalized. From nursing areas that welcome bottle-feeding parents to workplace policies that support pumping, we can build environments where feeding decisions don't define parental worth.
"Fed is best" is an important starting point—but the conversation shouldn't end there. By creating space for what comes after, we offer parents the full support they deserve during one of life's most challenging and rewarding journeys.
Finding Your Path Forward
If you're currently navigating your own feeding journey, consider these reflections:
What values are most important to you in your parenting journey?
How can you honor both your baby's needs and your own wellbeing?
What support do you need to feel confident in your feeding decisions?
How might releasing external expectations change your experience of feeding?
Remember that feeding methods can change over time. Many parents move between breastfeeding, pumping, formula, and combination feeding as their circumstances evolve. This flexibility isn't failure—it's responsive, attentive parenting.
There is the feeding journey you want to have, and there is the feeding journey you will have, and they will meet at unexpected intersections. Feeding is an act of love, in all its messy, imperfect, beautiful complexity.
Looking for support? Join Elle Murphy, MSW, LSW for our Infant Feeding Support Group.
